Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Marriage is not a romance novel; Love is a verb.

Hello readers! Today's post is going to be a bit different than my usual fare. I have been reading a new blog lately and it has really changed my outlook on my marriage and I want to share! So, thanks to Pinterest I stumbled upon this blog series called 29 days to great sex over at To Love, Honor and Vacuum. Trust me, had I realized the series was about Sex I would not have clicked....really, I'm a prude and I'm pretty sure christians NEVER talk about the "S" word. Plus, I guess I'm a bit vain, but I thought everything was fine in that area for Señor Caliente and myself.

Before I really begin, I guess I should give a bit of background. Señor Caliente and I have had a very passionate relationship from the beginning, it has either been passionately good or passionately bad. We love and fight with passion. You see, without going into too much detail today I will tell you that I didn't understand Christ's love for me as a young woman and I was desperately searching for love. I had intended to save myself for marriage, but I really let myself get swept away by my romance novel idea of love for Señor Caliente. Long story short, I ended up pregnant with our oldest son and after he was born we eventually got married and had 2 more children. We did not live happily ever after. As a matter of fact we have lost count of the number of times that we have been separated. The last time we separated was almost exactly 3 years ago. He begged me to come back and I told him that counseling was a must and that if I had to leave again I would never come back.

We went to healing grace ministries which I had learned about from my pastor and I expected them to fix The hubster so that we could be happy (are you laughing yet?). First off, I had to sign a contract that I wouldn't talk to anyone outside of my marriage about my marriage besides the counselors. That was when I figured out my first big mistake, by talking to my friends and hearing them tell me how badly he treated me I began to feel justified and even more negative. I wasn't venting, I was making myself more angry. I had been talking to everyone but God about how horrible my marriage was! So, I made a change in myself by praying about my hubby instead of "venting" to my friends and things began to change for us. As the last 3 years have passed, I think I have changed more than he has and as I have allowed God to fix me, I have seen our marriage improve. It's still not a romance novel by any means, but God has taught me that Love is a verb. It's a choice, something you do rather than something you feel. By making that choice, we have managed to hold it together while many of our friends' marriages disintegrated  Please don't think I am judging anyone, I'm not. I don't know your circumstances, so I can't. What I CAN do is tell you what things worked for me.

Anyhow, that brings me to the present and stumbling upon this series. I know that we are far from average in the bedroom. Señor Caliente is good at his job in that respect, however we still had a huge bone of contention here. He felt that I didn't love him and wasn't affectionate enough and I couldn't understand why he always wanted sex and just wouldn't leave me alone. He was always grabbing and touching and it made me mad. Really mad! So then, I would stop talking to him and he would stop talking to me and we would spend days angry at each other. That changed when I read this series of articles and began to understand a few things. First off, sex is what makes my husband feel loved and God wants us to enjoy sex and use it to become closer and more intimate. Secondly, If I am close minded and just decide I am too tired or whatever then I am not going to enjoy it and in turn he will not enjoy it and will feel unloved. Lastly, when I go in wholehearted and enjoy myself, he enjoys himself, we feel more connected and then he is able to show me love in the way I need it. I am really not able to go into detail about how it all works. But, I would encourage each of you to take an adventure with your hubby and explore the 29 days to great sex series. It's not just about sex, it's about how God intended for married christian couples to enjoy each other and how to make your marriage even better. The best part is, that my hubby is starting to resemble my romantic hero more every day. If there's hope for us, there's hope for everyone! Let me know if I can pray for you & your husband or your marriage and please, before you go talk to people about your marriage, talk to God. Trust me, He's a great listener and He will give you peace about whatever trials you face with your spouse.

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